Frum Gay Jew

It Gets Better

2010-11-15T19:23:00.000-08:00

Last week an It Gets Better video featuring Gay Orthodox Jews was released. The response thus far has been amazing, with close to 30,000 hits in less than a week. In response to some of the critics, this video was not intended to adjudicate contraversial halachic topics, but rather to tell all closeted individuals -- young or old, Jewish or gentile -- that God loves them no matter what and that they can live happy and fulfilling lives. So if you are reading this and match the above description, please stick around. Life is worthwhile and so are you.

Ad Matai?

2010-10-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

A heinous anti-gay attack took place last week just one mile from where I work. The Latin Kings is one of the dominant gangs in the region and has a large following near my school. The attack has been called the worst act of anti-gay violence in NYC history.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/11/nyregion/11bias.html

As we go into National Coming Out Day, let us realize that coming out is not merely a means of showing one's pride, nor is it solely a statement of identity. It could serve those purposes, but more importantly, coming out is a humanizing force. Would these gang members have reacted so violently to the thought of one of their recruits being gay had known openly gay people in their community? Would Billy Lucas, Justin Aaberg, Asher Brown, and many other recent victims have been bullied so mercilessly if openly homosexual students comprised a small, yet significant portion of their middle schools? And finally, would Tyler Clementi have viewed the thought of being outed as so catastrophic if he had been exposed to more openly gay individuals?

Don't get me wrong. I am not, G-d forbid, excusing or justifying the actions of the perpetrators; they should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Yet we - the GLBT community and our straight allies - have been complicit in allowing a culture of hate to exist in our society. How many times have we stayed quiet when someone made an anti-gay remark? How many political and religious messages of hate have we allowed to go unchallenged? Whether we are gay or straight, out or closeted, we cannot stay silent any longer - we cannot afford to stay silent any longer.

The Mishnah in Sanhedrin teaches "One who saves a life, it is as if he saved an entire world." Please, have one conversation, influence one person's heart and mind. You can never know the impact of your actions. This is the message of National Coming Out Day.

Love Hashem Your G-d

2010-08-10T19:49:00.000-07:00

The Talmud in Yoma (86a) expounds the meaning of the verse "Love Hashem Your G-d" to mean "the Name of Heaven should be beloved to you." The Talmud explains that the Name of Heaven becomes beloved to people when they see Torah scholars acting in a proper and pleasant manner, as Torah scholars embody G-d's teachings. Conversely, when Torah scholars act inappropriately, people disparage the Torah as a vehicle for heinous behavior.

I experienced this phenomenon first-hand last week when I came out to my uncle, who is a Torah scholar in one of the most traditional yeshivos in America. My uncle had almost zero familiarity with the concept of homosexuality and had only a few short minutes to compose his thoughts after my shocking announcement. Though he certainly knows the halachic prohibitions associated with homosexuality, this was not the focus of his response. Instead, he said to me, "Wow, it is really big of you to still be frum while dealing with this issue. What a tzaddik!"

How refreshing it is to see a true tzaddik utilizing the Torah as a source of love rather than as a weapon of hate.

Frum and Gay Shabbaton

2010-04-26T18:08:00.001-07:00

The following is a press release about a Shabbaton that I attended this weekend entitled "Being Frum and Gay"

April 24th and 25th

Philadelphia, PA
Being Frum and Gay

This weekend, the Orthodox Community at Penn (OCP) and JQYouth (JQY), a group that provides support to LGBT Orthodox Jews (www.JQYouth.org) collaborated to develop a shabbaton aimed at addressing issues that gay and lesbian Jews face within the Orthodox community. The shabbaton built upon the format and ideas originally presented at the “Being Gay in the Orthodox World” panel that was held at Yeshiva University this December.

On Friday night, the invited speakers from JQYouth shared their stories in a general panel session. The evening began with a brief statement by Emily Belfer, one of the organizers from the OCP, and a message from Rabbi Mordy Friedman, the Orthodox Rabbi at Penn, framing the shabbaton as a weekend intended to raise awareness of issues that already exist within the Orthodox community, and that it is not intended as a forum to discuss halacha (Jewish law). The panelists then each discussed topics ranging from their experiences coming out to family members and rabbis, to issues faced by Orthodox Jewish lesbians, forming communities for LGBT Orthodox Jews, and forming more inclusive Orthodox communities. There were over 150 people in attendance, and the audience was generally supportive of the speakers, applauding after each panelist spoke. The panelists were then asked questions from the audience ranging from whether they envisioned themselves forming families, whether being gay and Orthodox creates a crisis of faith, and whether there are generational or communal differences in terms of levels of tolerance that the panelists have experienced. The session only came to an end after the Hillel building needed to close for the night.

After morning services, Rabbi Friedman held a brief survey of contemporary literature on homosexuality. Taking a neutral stance on the issue, Rabbi Friedman reviewed responses spanning from Rav Moshe Feinstein’s t’shuvah (response) stating that homosexuality reflects a deliberate act of rebellion against God, to contemporary approaches of Rabbi Chaim Rapoport and Rav Yuval Sherlo, that go so far as to deal with questions such as whether lesbian couples should wear hair coverings and observe laws of ritual purity.

In the afternoon, four sessions on various topics relating to homosexuality in the Orthodox community were held. From 5:00pm to 6:00pm a session on ally training was held by Nicole Riley, Shaina Adams-El Guabli, and Fran De La Tor, three straight female allies of the LGBT community who have had experience leading similar workshops in the past. Nicole, Fran, and Shaina facilitated conversation regarding LGBT-specific language and stereotypes of the LGBT community, as well as group exercises to provide various strategies. These strategies included how to respond when a friend comes out, and when one overhears derogatory comments, such as “That’s Gay,” used in different social circles.

Simultaneously, Josh Teplitsky and Justin Spiro held a discussion on language as boundary. During this session they discussed a statement that Josh has heard several times after speaking at the Yeshiva University panel that “We should provide sympathy to the struggling homosexual.” Josh and Justin engaged the audience in a discussion of what the word struggle means as well as when it is appropriate to provide and withhold sympathy for others. The audience discussed how religious struggles are not unique to LGBT Orthodox Jews and discussed their own struggles with issues of faith and sexuality. During the workshop, one of the audience members expressed her frustration with that statement and discussed how she was upset by the question posed to the panelists the previous night about whether they've experienced a crisis of faith. She stated that the crisis of faith shouldn’t only apply to the gay individuals in the community. Instead, she suggested that the crisis of faith should apply to the entire Orthodox community because there are community members who are suffering because of their sexual orientation. This sentiment was echoed by others present for this discussion as well as other discussions over the course of the evening.

Josh reiterated this point by making a distinction between a psychological struggle characterized by an individual experiencing distress over his or her sexual identity, and a philosophical/intellectual struggle that involves grappling with the halachik implications of a gay identity. Josh concluded by stating that when we view it as a philosophical struggle, then it belongs to the entire community rather than the homosexual individuals themselves.

From 6:00pm to 7:00pm Chasiah Haberman, a member of JQY and the founder of Tirtzah, a community of frum queer women, held a discussion on halachik questions facing Orthodox LGBT people. The thrust of the session was to build awareness of the technical challenges that a gay Torah-observer faces in a religion whose commandments presume heterosexual attraction. With Chasiah’s help, the group managed to pinpoint several areas such as mechitza (separation), nida (purity), shomer negia (touching of the opposite sex), and tzniut (modesty) that pose an interpretive challenge to the gay observant Jew. Chasiah rendered the discussion universal by asking everyone to mention a personal halachik challenge, demonstrating that it is all observant Jews, not only gay observant Jews, who struggle to observe halacha. The session was concluded with a reading from Jewish scholar Eliezer Berkowitz. Berkowitz tells an anecdote from Raba in which the Babylonian sage expresses that halacha is alive and eternal, and is always interpreted and reinterpreted by the Sages of the generation.

At the same time, Erez Harari and Chaim Levin held a panel discussion on reparative therapy. Erez, a student at Fordham working on a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and co-founder of JQY, discussed the history of therapies aimed at treating homosexuality, as well as the theory and research behind modern day reparative therapy. Erez critiqued the theory behind reparative therapy and the research that has been published in support of it. Erez then discussed the potential for harm when engaging in these treatments. Chaim followed with his personal experiences being involved in reparative therapy for several years and reviewed the techniques used to try to alter his sexual orientation. He concluded by mentioning how he was led to blame himself for not trying hard enough when his sexual orientation failed to change, as well as how his community ended up blaming him for “choosing” to be gay once he decided to stop attending treatment.

After the evening meal, Chasiah gave a speech to a standing room only crowd of over a hundred people. Chasiah discussed the notion of “hating your brother in your heart,” which appeared in this week’s Torah portion, and how this verse is interpreted to mean that you are so angered by your fellow Jew that you aren't even willing to engage him or her in dialogue about what it is that’s making you angry. She then thanked the crowd for demonstrating ahavat yisroel (love of your fellow Jew) by being willing to attend the event and engage in a dialogue about these issues.

The shabbaton concluded with a screening of the film V'ahavta (And thou shalt love), an award-winning short film about a gay yeshiva student in Israel, followed by a discussion on how to create a more inclusive Orthodox Community. This discussion, moderated by Matthew Feczko and Isaac Alkolomber, two members of the OCP and JQY, generated a number of different suggestions by the audience, who seemed generally in favor of working towards creating a more welcoming environment for gay and lesbian Orthodox Jews at Penn. Suggestions ranged from reaching out to those who seem isolated, to speaking publicly against homophobic statements and creating joint events with J-Bagel, the gay Jewish group at Penn. A distinction was made during the discussion between implicit and explicit methods of inclusion, and the importance of understanding that for an Orthodox gay person, the implicit message is often one of exclusion, and that explicit messages are often necessary to make someone feel fully included. Some of the speakers expressed the hope that this weekend becomes a template for future programs at other campuses, schools, and synagogues. Isaac then closed the discussion by posing a question to the crowd, asking them how each of them plan on conveying this message of inclusiveness once the shabbaton is over.

The events of the weekend were widely considered a success drawing many people from diverse communities on campus. The event, according to one of the organizers, Isaac Setton, was a kiddush hashem as many people from many different backgrounds saw the Orthodox community coming together in support of the LGBT community. The Orthodox Community at Penn was able to organize and facilitate many discussions about the future of Orthodoxy and Orthodox education. One participant remarked, “One day, the people being educated at this event will sit on the board of shuls and schools and it will be up to them to make sure that when this issue comes up it is not a shock and is dealt with properly.” The people who attended the event were all glad they were provided with the opportunity to engage with this issue.

For more information about this event, you can contact the OCP at ocpjqy@gmail.com or JQYouth at admin@jqyouth.org or visit their websites at www.JQYouth.org www.pennocp.org.

Kiddush HaGay

2010-04-12T18:02:00.000-07:00

At the last JQY meeting (Jewish Queer Youth - jqyouth.org), someone introduced the term Kiddush HaGay. Just as a Kiddush Hashem signifies sanctifying G-d's name by demonstrating to the world the goodness and holiness of the Jewish people, Kiddush HaGay connotes depicting homosexuals in a positive light. I was provided an opportunity to do just that on my ride home from work today.

The South Bronx used to be a vibrant Jewish community. However, the current Jewish population of the neighborhood is roughly comparable to that of Iraq. The frum Jewish community is completely non-existent. Thus, when I saw an elderly man with a white shirt and velvet yarmulke sitting in the 182nd-183rd Street D Train Subway Station, I felt compelled to say "shalom aleichem." He responded in kind, introduced himself as Sholom, and explained that he was a landlord of a building in the area. We hit up a conversation -- in a mix of English, Hebrew, and Yiddish -- as he headed to Boro Park and I to the Upper West Side.

When I mentioned that I learned in yeshiva in Israel, Sholom asked me if I had heard about the scandal in which the Rosh Yeshiva of a prominent Yeshiva was accused of having sexual relations with his students. He remarked that this Rabbi must have a "machalah" -- a sickness. While I agree that a Rabbi must be sick to prey on vulnerable students, I had a feeling that Sholom's comment was a reference to homosexuality in general. So as the train hurdled toward Yankee Stadium, I probed further.

Without revealing my sexual orientation, I explained that homosexuality was no more of a sickness than being right or left handed. True, homosexuals cannot reproduce through traditional means, but they do not have any inherent deficiencies. Sholom nodded in agreement, as we both cited the blessing "m'shaneh habriot" (He who diversifies His creations). Sholom astutely distinguished homosexuality from other prohibitions in the Torah such as idolatry, whereby even the thought is forbidden. He even said that he had heard of some men who engaged in sexual relations but avoided "mishkav mamash," i.e. anal sex.

Inevitably, the conversation turned to my personal life, and I came out to Sholom. By this point, he was not even so surprised. When I told him that I knew I was gay as a teenager, he asked me how I could know so young. I replied, just as a man has attraction for women in his teenage years, hacha nami! (So too in my case.)

Sholom then became perturbed. "Why did the Ribono Shel Olam create you this way? You should raise a complaint against Him!" I replied that it is not for us to question how we were created. Kach notzarti. There are reasons for all of Hashem's creations, even if we can't figure out what they are. When Sholom pressed me for one of these reasons, I replied that perhaps I was created gay in order to be more sensitive to other minority groups. He seemed to like this answer.

Our conversation was abruptly ended when I transferred trains at 125th Street. I could tell that Sholom wanted to discuss more.

A gmarra in Avoda Zara compares our performance of mitzvos to the peckings of a hen, using a play on the Hebrew word for peck. All mitzvos, even ones seemingly as small as the peckings of a hen, are bundled together in Heaven into a great sum. This comparison could not be more relevant here. Engaging the frum community on the issue of homosexuality cannot be done through sermons, responsa, or other large scale forms of communication (at least not yet). The Yeshiva University Panel on Homosexuality in December was groundbreaking and incredible, but the most effective way of engaging people -- of any community -- is through a one-on-one conversation. This is clearly a very slow process, but a necessary and worthwhile one. Perhaps Sholom will meet a homosexual one day in Boro Park -- or the father, teacher, or cousin of one -- and perhaps the resultant conversation will be affected by the conversation he had today. And perhaps that small "peck" will change a life.

Small Change

2009-10-19T19:24:00.000-07:00

Wow! I haven't updated this blog for a long time! Not that I haven't had a lot to say, but it has been a very busy few months for me. But now it's time to get back in the swing of things....

I received a message tonight from a family I have grown very close to over the past few years. They belong to the Modern Orthodox shul in my home town, and I have an unspoken invitation for Shabbos meals whenever I am around. While they are certainly a "frum" family, they are very open-minded and have accepted me fully as a gay Jew. I got word tonight that their eldest daughter has chosen to write her college essay about gay marriage. Specifically, she is writing about her experience of getting to know me over the years, and how I have changed her view of homosexuality and Judaism.

The key to change -- within any community -- is exposure. "Gay" should never be a taboo word. Homosexuality should not be treated as a sexual topic from which five-year-olds are shielded.

It is not often we see the fruits of our efforts. I feel very honored to have the privilege of witnessing change within the Orthodox community, albeit small change.

A Burning Fire and a River of Tears

2009-03-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

The following article was recently posted in a Yeshiva University newspaper: http://www.yucommentator.com/home/index.cfm?event=displayArticle&ustory_id=3e858e60-b231-466d-a887-f2e001da6cb2

It details the struggle of a closeted frum student. He views homosexuality as his test in life and compares it to the tests of keeping Shabbat and learning Torah. In other words, just as we must fight our Evil Inclination that encourages us to break Shabbat and not learn Torah, so too must we fight our Evil Inclination for homosexuality. Accordingly, the author takes solace in the distinction between homosexual orientation and homosexual behavior, as the Torah only prohibits the latter.

I take issue with this ideological approach to homosexuality. From an Orthodox perspective, breaking Shabbat and shunning Torah study are inherently evil behaviors. It therefore makes sense to attribute these sins to the influence of the Evil Inclination, an evil impulse taking over body and mind.

Yet no one identifies as a Shabbos Desecrator or as a Torah Learning Nullifier. These sins do not define one's sense of self. However, individuals with an exclusively same sex attraction do identify as gay. Homosexuality is a large part of their identity, as it determines their romantic and sexual attractions. To view the thought -- the fantasy -- of a deep emotional and physical bond between two men as a manifestation of the "Evil" Inclination is to view oneself as inherently evil. Thus, in the course of "winning" the battle against the Evil Inclination for homosexuality, one's sense of self worth becomes a casuality of war.

I would like to thank the author of this article. By framing homosexuality in the context of the Evil Inclination, he enabled me to realize that leading a celibate life is a recipe not only for loneliness and isolation, but also for depression and G-d forbid suicide (as the author alludes to in his article).

What do I do with the two verses in Leviticus? I still don't know, but it's becoming increasingly less important to me. The Torah tells us to בחור בחיים, to choose life. In order to do so, we must accept ourselves -- our whole selves -- for who we truly are.

The Toughest Part

2009-02-21T23:06:00.000-08:00

So I haven't written in a while. Not that I haven't had anything to say, I just haven't been able to put it into words.

I have discovered what is for me the toughest part about being gay and observant. It's not the attitude of Orthodox Rabbis. It's not the social stigma. Nor is it the verses in Leviticus. Yes, all of those things bother me, but the toughest part for me is not having a halachic framework to follow. After I say to myself: "I'm not going to marry a woman, and I'm not going to remain celibate," where do I go from there? I have come to terms with the fact that I will enter into a homosexual relationship, but what are the rules, boundaries, and limits of this relationship?

Do I try to translate bits and pieces of "heterosexual" halacha to homosexual situations, such as yichud (prohibition of being alone in the room with someone of the opposite sex), kol isha (hearing a woman's voice), or shomer negia (not touching at all until marriage)? Such a notion is absurd! Imagine not being able to being able to shake hands in shul or be alone with a male friend...

So I'm left to make my own rules. But what are they based on? My personal judgment, i.e. exactly what the Torah lambasts as faulty and subjective. The Torah is so special because it gives us objective, G-d-given laws. Left to our own judgment to decide right from wrong, how often would we "bend" our own rules? After all, we made them up, so we can change them. While this may sound liberating, as a gay observant Jew, it is incredibly frustrating. Is what I am doing right in G-d's eyes? Would G-d be okay with me adopting a more permissive stance? And perhaps G-d's not okay with what I'm doing at all. If it's all wrong, why implement limits at all? I recognize that this last question represents an extreme all-or-nothing viewpoint that I outright reject. Nevertheless, it's one of the many questions that plague me.

I have no answers, only thoughts.

A Matter of Life and Death

2009-01-12T18:35:00.000-08:00

A friend recently asked me to comment on GLBT issues in Jewish schools for a research paper he was writing. Specifically, he wanted information that could be used in a staff sensitively training. I have copied my comments below, directed at teachers, counselors, coaches, and parents everywhere:

When we think of life-saving professions, we often think of doctors and fire fighters, but teachers are also charged with this awesome task. In most schools, the default environment is one of homophobia. This is especially true in a Jewish school. As such, closeted gay, lesbian, and transgendered students often feel alone and rejected. Walk through the halls of any middle or high school in the country, and you'll be horrfied by the number of homophobic comments you hear on a daily basis. "That's so gay." "You're such a fag." These remarks are said in jest, but they drive home the message to GLBT youth that their existence is disgraceful and therefore quite fitting for the punch line of a joke.

Here's where you come in: Do not allow homophobic comments in your classroom. Make it a rule on day one and enforce it vigorously. Take it one step forward and express your acceptance of GLBT individuals. If you bring up the topic even once, you will forever be viewed as an ally by your students. When -- not if, but when -- your gay students want to come out, they will know that you are a safe person, one in whom they can confide.

For those of you who come from a religious background, there is no greater mitzvah than making GLBT youth feel comfortable. You do not need to condone or condemn their sexual behavior. Rather, just accept the person for who he or she is -- באשר הוא שם.

How does this make you life-savers? The suicide rate among GLBT teenagers is staggering. The kind words of one teacher can provide hope to a hopeless child, giving him or the courage to continue living. Because one friend in this world is infinitely better than none.

Trail Blazers

2009-01-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

In this week's Torah Portion, Vayigash, Jacob and his family descend to Egypt to escape the famine and live in the land of Goshen. The Torah tells us that Jacob sent Judah ahead of the rest of the family so that Judah could להורות, prepare for their arrival and instruct them how to live in a foreign land. Rashi cites a midrash that Judah was sent ahead in order to build a yeshiva -- a house of Jewish study. From this we learn that Torah and Judaism must be our first priority when establishing a new community.

As gay Jews, I believe we can read an additional meaning into the verse. While the gay rights movement has existed for many years, it has only recently begun to penetrate Jewish institutions. Thus, like Judah, we must act as trail blazers, forging a Jewish community that accepts us for who we are and enables us to integrate our Judaism and our homosexuality. We must pave this path for those who are in the closet as well as for those whose Judaism is in the closet. We must pave this path so that future generations are not forced to choose between their Judaism and their homosexuality, G-d forbid.

Being true to the meaning of the word להורות, we must teach and guide -- teach heterosexuals acceptance and guide homosexuals toward an integrated Jewish life.

Good Shabbos

Jewish Gay Pride

2008-11-30T17:43:00.000-08:00

There seems to be a lot of talk about choice in the frum gay world.

It's not a choice. I was born this way. I can't help it. Therfore I should be accepted for who I am.

I admit that I used to ascribe to this position, and halachically it makes a lot of sense. As gay Jews, we do not fulfill the mitzvah of reproducing. And for those of us who have chosen to not be celibate, we violate Rabbinic, if not Biblical sexual prohibitions. So in order for us to be considered upstanding Jews, we must disclaim our sexuality as beyond our control. For if we had the power to choose and we chose homosexuality, we would be considered heretics! Who would choose to violate these mitzvot?

On the other hand, offering the disclaimer of not having a choice is apologetic. "I'm sorry I'm gay, but I couldn't help it." The disclaimer puts homosexuality into a b'dieved (not ideal) category, with heterosexuality being the l'chatchila (ideal) in Judaism.

But this is not what I believe.

It's true that I cannot change my sexual orientation, but who says I want to? I'm happy being gay, and I don't need to disclaim anything to anyone. Hashem -- in His infinite wisdom -- created homosexual and heterosexual creations. Does Hashem view some of His creations as "ideal" and others as "second rate?" Chas V'Shalom! G-d forbid! Hashem created all people in His image. How could someone created in His image be a "b'dieved" creation?

From this perspective, gay pride takes on a fascinating new meaning. We should be proud of ourselves as gay Jews because that is who Hashem created us to be.

ברוך אתה ד' אלקינו מלך העולם משנה הבריות
Blessed are You, Hashem, our G-d, King of the universe, Who varies His creations

Make For Yourself a Rabbi

2008-11-17T19:28:00.000-08:00

The B train to Flatbush on Friday afternoons is quite a Jewish experience, with all the Brooklyn Jews returning home for Shabbos. I was sitting on the B on Friday, reviewing the Torah portion on my way to Shabbos by my cousins. An ultra-Orthodox man sat down next to me and we spent most of the ride learning our respective seforim (Jewish books). After a while he asked me what I was learning. When I told him "Kli Yakar," he asked me for a Dvar Torah.

This could only happen in Brooklyn!

As we began talking, he asked me who my Rav was. I told him that I went to many synagogues on the Upper West Side and didn't have one Rabbi who I considered my personal Rav. He responded with words of mussar: "You need to get a Rav, someone whom you can ask questions and with whom discuss big life issues. It'll change your life." He reminded me of the phrase in Pirkei Avot: "Make for yourself a Rabbi" (עשה לך רב). I nodded politely and smiled. We soon arrived at the Kings Highway stop, and dozens of Jews filed out of the train.

I thought about what the man said. Yes, it would be nice to have a Rav. But could I find an Orthodox Rabbi who shares my hashkafa (religious outlook) on all issues, including homosexuality? I could not have a Rav who told me to marry a woman or live a life of celibate solitude. Nor could I have a non-Orthodox Rav who does not view the Torah as fully binding. So for now I am without a Rav. Yet paradoxically, I feel that it is especially important for gay Jews to have a Rav, someone to help them navigate the uncharted waters of homosexuality and Judaism.

I don't have an answer to this conflict. Just food for thought...

"In a place of distress, the Rabbis did not decree"

2008-11-10T18:22:00.000-08:00

I was learning about the laws of Shabbos in a Talmud class at the local kollel, and I learned a fascinating halachic principle that seems relevant to Judaism's laws on homosexuality.

Briefly, an act of melacha (work) is only prohibited on a Biblical level on Shabbos if it is performed in the same way and for the same purpose that the act was performed in the mishkan (tabernacle). If the act of melacha is performed for a different purpose, it is only prohibited on a Rabbinic level, as the Rabbis extended a fence around the Biblical prohibition. For example, fire was extinguished in the mishkan in order to obtain the coals. Thus, extinguishing a fire for any other reason (such as a desire for darkness) would be prohibited on a Rabbinic, but not Biblical level.

There is one exception to this rule. The rabbis did not extend a fence around Biblical prohibitions "in places of distress" (במקום צער לא גזר רבנן). For example, there is a Biblical prohibition against trapping an animal on Shabbos for the purpose of slaughtering it. However, the Rabbis did not extend this prohibition to trapping a bee on Shabbos if one is eating outside (e.g. in a sukkah), and the bee is causing distress.

The Torah forbids anal sex between two men. The Rabbis extended a fence around this prohibition and prohibited all forms of sexual contact between two men. Yet perhaps they shouldn't have. Perhaps they unwittingly violated their own principle: "In a place of distress, the Rabbis did not decree." The Rabbis extended a fence around the prohibition of homosexual anal sex because they viewed homosexuality as devious behavior undertaken by heterosexual men. They did not conceive of the existence of individuals with an exclusively homosexual orientation.

Knowing what we now know about homosexuality and sexual orientation, perhaps we should apply the principle stated above. We cannot change the Biblical prohibition, but nor should we extend the Biblical prohibition and create "a place of distress." If tolerating a bee in one's sukkah is distressing, all the more so a life of celibacy! Perhaps the Torah intended for homosexuals to enter into monogomous relationships and engage in all sexual acts except anal sex. By prohibiting all forms of sexual contact between two men, the Rabbis overstepped their bounds and violated their principle.

"In a place of distress, the Rabbis did not decree."

Lech Lecha

2008-11-07T13:02:00.000-08:00

In this week's Torah Portion, Lech Lecha, G-d commands Abraham to circumcise himself and all the males in his house. G-d then commands that every Jewish male be circumcised when he is eight days old.

What is the significance of this commandment? The commentator Radak gives an amazing answer. G-d commands us to circumcise ourselves because a person's animalistic lustful urges emanate from the penis. By circumcising this organ, we demostrate that we are subjugating our animalistic urges to G-d's will. In doing so, we make our penis into a holy object. Indeed, we will see in a few weeks that the circumcised penis is so holy that a person can take an oath by it (just as a person would take an oath by a Bible in secular court).

Thus, Judaism does not believe in suppressing sexuality, but rather in channeling it to holy pursuits. For heterosexuals, this means getting married and reproducing. What does it mean for us? There is no one right answer, but I would suggest it means eschewing the promiscuity of "gay culture" and establishing a monogomous, loving relationship.

May we all figure out -- in our own way -- how to infuse holiness into our sexuality and into every other aspect of our lives.

Shabbat Shalom!

Prop 8

2008-11-06T22:09:00.000-08:00

"In my opinion, the judgment this day rendered will, in time, prove to be quite pernicious" -- dissenting opinion in Plessy v. Ferguson case, which upheld "separate but equal" from 1896 until Brown v. Board of Ed. in 1955.

Judge Harlan's words, though over a century old, perfectly describe my feelings following the passage of Proposition 8 -- the gay marriage ban in California. Even more disturbing than the passage of Prop 8 is the fact that several Orthodox organizations, such as Agudath, endorsed the measure.

Agudath's endorsement of Prop 8 is prejudice thinly veiled in halacha (Jewish law). As I wrote in an earlier post, nowhere does the Torah prohibit two men living together; the Torah merely prohibits one sexual act. I believe that the Torah actually wants gay men to live together and establish a loving relationship, for "It is not good for man to be alone." If only Agudath would realize that gay people exist and cannot change their sexual orientation. Perhaps then they would be more compassionate.

Another point: If Orthodox Jews are going to push for a ban on gay marriage, they should also push for a ban on intermarriages, as well as all marriages in which the couple will not observe the laws of nidda (ritual purity). All of these relationships could result in Biblical prohibitions. I know what you're thinking: "Banning intermarriage and nidda relationships is ridiculous! How could halacha govern secular American law?" You're right. It shouldn't.

Agudath: No one is asking your rabbis to perform gay marriage ceremonies under the chuppah. But let us have our rights in American society. Jews of all people should understand the harm caused by discrimination and hateful legislation.

"Separate but equal is inherently unequal"

"The Straight Path Home"

2008-11-02T08:46:00.000-08:00

Aish.com is a great website that normally publishes informative, well-researched articles on Judaism. However, in two recent articles, Aish presents a twisted, biased view of homosexuality, insisting that homosexuality is a "dysfunction" that can be "cured" with proper treatment.

The two articles can be found here: http://www.aish.com/spirituality/odysseys/The_Straight_Path_Home.asp

http://www.aish.com/spirituality/odysseys/Straight_Path_David_Responds.asp

While there are many factual inaccuracies and flawed arguments in these articles, I would like to focus in on the most egregious:

1. David claims that the homosexual lifestyle is one of "compulsive promiscuity." When this assertion was challenged, David points to statistics of homosexual promiscuity in San Francisco (statistics that probably do not generalize to the rest of the country) and declares that most homosexuals live such a lifestyle.

Since when do we as Jews do what "most" people do. Most people in America eat pork. Most Jews do not. Most heterosexuals in America have premarital sex. Many heterosexual Jews do not. Why then should we generalize from the overall population to Jews on the issue of homosexuality?

I'm fine with being in the minority, both in terms of not eating pork and in terms of not being "compulsively promiscuous." The stastitics David cites mean nothing to me. I plan to live a monogomous, Jewish life with another Jewish man.

(I do not mean to imply that non-Jews are inherently promiscuous; they're not, and many non-Jewish gay men also lead monogomous lives. I am merely highlighting the fact that Jews often behave differently than the general population.)

2. In both articles, David states that homosexuality is caused by a dysfunctional childhood environment.

"Yes, there are many causes of homosexuality. My path is one that is common -- the triadic family and detachment from father, the missed opportunity to bond with other men. Other formative experiences common to those with same-sex attractions include physical or sexual abuse, and peer rejection. Others are responding to what they perceived as threatening relationships with mother or other women."

Thank G-d, I have not experienced any of these dysfunctions. Yet I am still gay. Clearly David's theoretical basis is lacking. Indeed, he cites the primitive theories of Sigmund Freud to support his argument that "homes like [his] are common among men with homosexual urges." He neglects to mention that the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and Dynamic Psychiatry has repudiated Freud's theory. "As the origins of homosexuality are attributed to factors beyond the patient's conscious or unconscious control, they are no longer considered a subject of analytic inquiry" (J. Drescher, "A history of homosexuality and organized psychoanalysis," 2008).

David cites a 2003 study by Robert Spitzer, in which the majority of the participants successfully "became" straight. David neglects to mention that only 40% of the viewed themselves as exclusively gay before they attempted to change. David also fails to inform his readers that Spitzer himself said that the number of homosexuals who could successfully become heterosexual was likely to be "pretty low."

3. David's articles are laden with numerous weak arguments. What do they all have in common? They all mask David's true intent: to use the Torah's commandments as scientific proofs. The Torah prohibits sex between two men and commands man to reproduce. It is very difficult to theologically accept that the same G-d who gave such commandments also created people who can only achieve sexual and emotional fulfillment through a same-sex relationship. Therefore, many people argue that the existence of these two commandments proves that homosexuality is a dysfunction and is "curable." However, G-d never tells us that gay people can become straight; such a thought is a human invention. G-d does not mention sexual orientation in the Torah at all, but merely speaks about a specific sexual act. Thus, in light of the Torah's silence on the issue and the overwhelming scientific evidence that sexual orientation is NOT changeable, we should abandon all attempts at reparative therapy and instead have an open dialogue in the Orthodox community on the theological quandary that is so difficult to understand.

A Response

2008-10-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

I received the following comment on my previous post ("It is not good for man to be alone"), and I thought it warranted a response.

When evaluating the psukim you cross-reference, you must consider the language used in each one. The primary (though not the only) flaw in your logic is that you have somehow reasoned that "it is not good" is somehow an illustration of a more basic and fundamental principle than "abomination." Clearly, the Torah chooses to place an emphasis on the severity of the latter. If the former is so broad and fundamental, as you say, why would the same care not be given to its language?

Thank you for your comment. Let me clarify:

I was not implying that the verse "it is not good for man to be alone" negates the sexual prohibition in Leviticus. However, to define Judaism's view of homosexuality exclusively (or even primarily) by Leviticus is an error. While homosexuals cannot engage in a particular sexual act (anal sex), relationships are not defined by this act. The emotional and intellectual aspects are far more fundamental to the relationship than this sexual act. On these aspects, the Torah says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

"It is not good for man to be alone"

2008-10-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

I would be lying if I said that the two verses about homosexuality in Leviticus didn't upset me. I struggle to reconcile them with my life everyday. However, this past week's Torah portion, Breishis, has a verse that speaks more directly to Judaism's view of life, love, and relationships than do the verses in Leviticus. After creating Adam, G-d says, "It is not good for man to be alone." G-d then proceeds to present Adam with all the animals of the world, but Adam "did not find a helper corresponding to him (עזר כנגדו)." Consequently, G-d creates woman and Adam is satisfied.

Yes, Leviticus prohibits one specific sexual act between two men, but Genesis establishing a much broader and more fundamental principle of Judaism: It is not good for man to be alone. For gay men who have absolutely no attraction to women, our options are either to spend our lives alone or to find another man, an עזר כנגדו, with whom we can establish a loving Jewish home and help each other grow in the sevice of G-d.

Reconciling Genesis and Leviticus is not so simple, but internalizing the lessons of Genesis is the first step in this process.

An Intro

2008-10-26T18:51:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blog! First off, I want to give a little background about myself. I grew up in New Jersey in a Conservative Jewish household. We kept a kosher home, lit Shabbos candles, and celebrated all the holidays, yet we were not a "frum" or "Orthodox" family.

Over the course of my freshman year of college, I gradually became more and more involved with the Hillel on campus. At first I just attended Friday night services as a social outlet, but then I began flirting with the idea of keeping Shabbos, eating only kosher, and wearing a yarmulke. Throughout college, I took upon myself more and more mitzvos (commandments) and began to view myself as an Orthodox Jew.

Yes, that's right. I decided to become Orthodox after I discovered that I was gay. I know what you're thinking: why would you do that to yourself? You had it so easy as a non-Orthodox Jew. Why subjugate yourself to a life of stigma and oppresion?

I always knew the Orthodox stance on homosexuality, but I was nonetheless drawn to the Orthodox lifestyle. The beliefs, the tradition, the structure, the sense of community, and most importantly, the sense of truth. The more I learned, the more I believed that the Torah was truth, the word of G-d.

And that leads me to where I am today: a gay Orthodox Jew. I cannot "throw out" my Orthodoxy / Judaism any more than I could throw out my homosexuality. Both are part of who I am. Both are part of the person Hashem (G-d) created me to be.